Me and my Bipolar

Hello. If you are reading this Hub you are either Bi-Polar or you know someone who is. I was diangosed with Bipolar Afftective Disorder sixteen years ago at the age of 24. I was genetically predisposed with this gene for my father is BP as well. If you are BP then it is possible that one of your parents or grandparents or even great grandparents were. I hear different "findings" all the time but the scientific part doesn't really matter. It is living a life on a Mountain as high as the eye can see and then then slowly you decline like skiing down the alps in slow motion. Then you have to pick yourself up and climb back to that mountain to only fall down again. It is spirally confusion, anxiety, paranoia, passive aggressive mood swings that take control of our lives and the ones around us. I personally could never apologize enough for the damage I have caused for so many people. The hell that I put them in when I had tried to take my life, or being so manic I would up and move to another town and tell no-one, for months. Always remember that if your spouse, loved one or friend is BP and they make you angry or frustrated, we are just as frustrated and angry as we make you except we don't understand why. When we don't return your phone calls or don't visit (mom) it is because it is taking every single strand of effort to get out of the bed in the morning and do what HAS to be done everyday. Do you understand that just waking up is hard to do?

When I was 24 years old my Medical Doctor picked up on signs of depression when I would just start crying half way thru the exam. I was suffering from PostPartum depression and then it just goes downhill from there.

These are a list of the medications that I have taken over a 16 year period, AS IF it isn't hard enough to begin with but almost every medication for BP has alot of side effects.

ELAVIL, PAXIL, XANAX, ZOLOFT, WELLBUTRIN, KLONIPIN, DEPAKOTE, LITHIUM, SEROQUEL, ZYPREXA, ATIVAN, LAMICTAL, VISTERIL, PROZAC, TEGRETOL, AMBIEN, REMERON, TRAZADONE, VISTERIL, BUSPAR, ........

Every one of these meds that terrible side effects. They either make you sick, it taste like to got a quarter in your mouth, extreme weight gain, acne. It goes on. It will take a while for you to get your meds stablized and find the right ones that work for you. In the meantime, we can be pretty aggravating.

 A cycle on a washing machine.

When I was first diagnosed with BP I was reluctant to take meds, go to therapy. I was basically told that the way I had coped, thought, acted, loved, hated was wrong. That left me thinking "do they think that all of this is going to change with a couple of pills every day? OfCourse It didnt, I didn't take them.

The first and worse medication that I took was lithium. I gained 40 pounds, had acne breakouts, my hair was dry, it was endless, down the toilet they go. Because I had quit taking my meds except for the xanax because they had a parodoxial (?) effect. It didnt relax me, it gave me unbelievable energy and a Haldol smile. Until I took the whole bottle and back to the hospital again.

This hospital stay was for 147 days. I got stable once again, accepted this disease and embraced it and took it for all it was worth. When I was mancic my creative juices would flow like running water, I would work 20 hours a day as a waitress. I made more money as a waitress than anything else. I never went back to the type of Office or Clerical work I did before. When I would get depressed, I wouldn't go to work for weeks, not even get out of the bed for days. I would lose my job, then my electricity, then my sanity, overdose and end back in the hospital.

I followed this pattern for years. I dont know what it was that made "it" click, maybe I got smarter, retained more wisdom since I was getting older. My Doctors put me on meds with few, if any side effects. I started to excercise and try to regain my nice appearnce. Weeks in the bed at the time can make you look rough eventually.

At age 40 I am on disability, i am pretty well stabilized. Live Day by Day. I have a nice life, at least today anyway